i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The feeling are messing with the penis
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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