No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I smell stomach acid.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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