im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
