Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
