I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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