Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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