So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize