The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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