I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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