My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
