I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize