I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
