i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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