I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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