I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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