I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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