does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
