he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
how drunk are you?
Several
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
