I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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