and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
