areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he quoted the bible to break up with me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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