ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
