Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize