Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
