Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
