Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
