dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize