we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
