gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
