it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize