it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
