so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
