Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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