I never want to see another naked old woman again.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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