FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
