I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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