Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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