Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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