why didn't you poke me back
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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