Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize