I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
