she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
