I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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