dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize