Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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