he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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