Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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