Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
