my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
