Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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