So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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