Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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