Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You ate ashes out of my bong
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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