Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize