She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
