U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I want her autograph on my taint
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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