I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize