Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just pee around me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
