Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
