dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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