Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize