if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
