don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
