dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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